A butt plug with my keys in it.

Why is it the government’s job to solve the obesity epidemic?

I like that top she has on.

I received some great advice once: when you die nobody will read your resume. Do with that what you will.

I make music and I’m occasionally pretty happy with some of my guitar playing.

Part of it comes from the failures of the left.

At least you’ll always have them with you.

Instagram has some wonderful clips of Christopher Hitchens absolutely destroying religion.

Getting the blood out of the clown suit.

Do not do the thing you did on June 18th 2026.

Years ago when I got a colonoscopy my doctor told me I wouldn’t feel anything but I’d be awake. I felt every. fucking. thing. And it is not pleasant.

Have you heard about the Japanese?

Can I ask you a question? When I hear the word “crush” I think that you have someone you like but they either don’t reciprocate or don’t know you like them? Is that the case here or have you gone out with this person before on a date where there was clearly a romantic interest from both of you?

Great. Now I not only have to listen to other people in public talking on their phones but now talking to their glasses.

Hide it from the public? All you have to do is just think about it.

The country ham, in particular, makes me physically almost wrech just looking at it.

Oh man I hate her.

I’m sure it would be easy enough for someone to design an app to disable the glasses when they’re within a certain proximity of you.

Probably true. It’s like this administration and gas prices. 'Just ignore how high gas prices are now because it could be a lot worse.

Don’t ask the question if you don’t want to know the answer.